Let’s face it. Relationships are hard.
One of the most important realizations I had as a young adult was that I cannot control what other people are saying or doing. I can, however, control what I say and do. This was a basic building block I used as a new mental health professional working with kids. Sometimes other people do things to hurts us, but we do not have to behave in that way in return. In fact, behaving differently than that will often influence others to also behave differently. Sometimes that’s not true. But I prefer to look at the positive.
With that in mind, it’s important to be careful with the way we use our words. The language we use matters. It indicates, sometimes in subtle ways, what we think about the person to whom we are speaking. Below are some nasty phrases I have heard during couples therapy sessions. Each one indicates a problematic approach to conflict and communicate. Consider these next time you get into a argument with your partner, or anyone else who is important in your life.
1. You’re driving me crazy. Clearly said in frustration, the idea that one person can cause another to be crazy is a simple blame game. It suggests that your behavior or the things you say somehow affect me so deeply that you are now responsible for what I do and say. That’s obviously not true. The remedy to this is taking responsibility for what is ours. If we’re frustrated with our partner, it is our responsibility to calmly communicate that to them. Might I suggest the use of I-statements. Instead of “You’re driving me crazy,” you might say “when you confront me about these things, I become overwhelmed and I’m not sure how to respond.” It’s honest. And it will probably lead to a more productive conversation.
2. You always / you never. Absolutes are dangerous. Nobody ever always or never does anything (that sentence will make your brain hurt). To suggest that your partner “never does the dishes” for example, only sets up the argument so that they now have to prove that this isn’t true. Using hyperbole in general is not a great way to identify the reality of situation. So be honest about the problem that you are addressing. “When I left this morning I was under the impression you were going to do the dishes. It looks like you did not do that and I’m feeling frustrated. What happened?” For all you know, your partner wanted to do them but something interfered. Since you weren’t present, it is in the best interest of your relationship to ask questions, use I statements, and be curious about how this unfolded for your partner. Absolutes rarely invite honesty.
3. It’s like I can’t win. Were you trying to win something? And if you were trying to win, what exactly are you trying to win? People tend to use this phrase when they aren’t sure what to say to make their partner happy. They’re chronically frustrated and resentment is building. A phrase like this is used to shut down conversation rather than participate in it. The reality is that the only way to “win” is to work with your partner to understand one another.
4. Stop being so dramatic or You’re overreacting. These phrases serve the purpose of telling your partner that their feelings aren’t important. Dramatic response and “overreaction” suggest there are heightened emotions at play. Your partner is allowed to feel whatever they feel. Ask them to explain their feelings instead of dismissing them.
5. Threatening Divorce. Uh oh. The dreaded D-word. Now it’s out of your mouth and it sounds like the option is on the table. Maybe it is. And maybe it is time for divorce. Just know that once you mention it, it has the potential to set up a power struggle that you might not have intended. Now you are trying to hold something over their head. “I’ll leave if you don’t x-y-z.” This creates a situation where one partner either has to submit to the one making the threat creating a false trust, or they have to return the threat. Either way, it isn’t productive.
6. Nothing is wrong (when something is). First, stop lying to yourself. Something is wrong and if you don’t share it with your partner it will build resentment. Resentment is poison for a relationship and eventually it will die a gruesome death. Resentment only exists in relationships that do not have open and honest communication. How do you expect your relationship to change if you do not share your frustrations?
If you are finding yourself using any of these phrases whether with a partner or someone else for whom you care, then this is a good time to start going to therapy. Hurtful words like this are learned from experience. Processing the ways these words have hurt you will give you new perspective on how to communicate to other people. The bottom line is, if you care about this person and want them in your life, then it’s time to learn to communicate differently.